I am in the separation process with my husband, actually he is separating from me, but that’s not the issue. I have a job so I communicate with colleagues and other people out there, but suddenly I realised how lonely I am here without my to-be-ex-husband. I didn’t build up the network of new friends, because for me it takes time to become a good friend with a person and since I left my country I kept so good contacts with my old friends, that having a husband I didn’t feel I need a new ones. My colleagues are lovely people, but we are at work already 8 hours together everyday and there is nobody at my age, most of them older then me, so not like there someone to get out on the weekend.
I am wondering how our life depends on someone you love and you loved by, but once it changed and you find yourself in vacuum. At the moment like this it feels so lonely, like I am alone in the whole universe, here in Holland in the one of the most overpopulated country in the world. It is ironic, isn’t?
Do you ever guys, feel lonely here away from your home-land? When things with your partner are not working quite well? If yes, what do you do? And where do you meet new people? And how?

Do you have any interests, hobbies? You might join a group or club of people doing those things. I know it sounds old fashioned but at least when meeting those people you would know what to talk about!

It's easy to be slack about making new friends when you have a boyfriend. And then it really sucks when you break up. That's to be expected - you're not the first

Like already said, get some hobbies. Some suggestions:

Do a Dutch course.
Learn an instrument.
Join a sports team.
Take a photography course.
Take a cooking course.
Take an art course.

I see stuff like that advertised all the time in Amsterdam Weekly and on this website, but I guess it depends on where you are living as to what's available.

A lot of people put an emphasis on trying to integrate and make friends with Dutch people. That's cool, but I'd look for ex-pat groups simply because there are lots of oher ex-pats around who don't know many people either and are looking to make friends.

I haven't made it to one of their events yet, but perhaps try

http://www.meetin.org/city/MEETinAMSTERDAM/

A bunch of people have little get-togethers, trips, dinners, pub crawls....I keep meaning to go but always wimp out for one reason or another.

I have taken martial arts and gym classes, but to be honest, that never really enriched my social life much, but courses or classes that involve interaction would be a good idea. Most people I meet are through going to a pub or club, or via people I already know. Making Dutch friends is very difficult as they are generally quite shy about opening up to new people - I feel like I need a crowbar to extract any information that would allow me to get to know them better. Even Dutch people I have known for years are strangers to me in many ways. Foreigners are always easier to befriend, possibly because they're also fish out of water and more eager/interested in meeting different types of people. The downside there in my case is that most of my foreign friends eventually abandon Holland for greener pastures :-(

Wish you luck!

PS I resent the remark about older people not going out on the weekend

Thank you for the link, but as I can see everything is going on in Amsterdam... I am in The Hague...
Maybe I will try some dating sites... not sure if its works though...

Hi,

In Den Haag you can try www.legalaliens.eu this weekend there are organising a fun activity, you might join. I'm still looking for team-mates, just in case you decide to join.

You can check also: www.access.nl they organise events and networking activities and their place is always a nice corner to visit.

Have a nice day,

Camilo

quote name='Myname' date='May 3 2008, 05:27 PM' post='773521']
Thank you for the link, but as I can see everything is going on in Amsterdam... I am in The Hague...
Maybe I will try some dating sites... not sure if its works though...
[/quote]

Being alone during the separation process is actually good. The feeling of "loneliness" is understandable and it is always very tempting to fill our lives with many activities to entertain our constant need for other people. I am not a relationship expert but I would suggest that you rediscover yourself first before getting busy with anything. Go away and travel. Maybe get away for a few days, say Rome, Paris, Barcelona, or anywhere else. Treat yourself to a nice wardrobe with all the accessory works. Pamper yourself, go to the salon, spa...

In my experience, after the break up (some 10 years ago with my ex, I am in a relationship with a Dutch man now for 8 years), I found it to be very fulfilling to find myself. To love myself back more than anything. I realized "being alone does not have to mean being lonely". Try it.

I agree with Sheena. Back in 2000 I ended a 13 year relationship and being alone was very very difficult but ultimately got me back in touch with who I used to be and it was the best experience of my life. I traveled to Amsterdam alone for a start, where I made friends that facilitated moving here later on. Try spending some time with you and doing what you loved to do before you got in the relationship. It's very empowering.
Why would you try a dating site!?? To get immediately back into a relationship that keeps you, again, from making friends of your own? Tempting, I know, but try to resist.
Sterkte.

Hi Miss.

Fmy name's Andrea and despite of my name,yes,I am a guy.

I don't think dating communities (such as relatieplanet) are good. I tried them too,but always got stuck in dutchy boring women talking about sports and their last trip to the mountains of nepal (lol)

by the way,I live in amsterdam,so not that far form The Hague,so if you are still looking for some new friens,here I am!!

doei!

Andrea

Hi!

Well, feeling lonely in a foreign country is a kinda expected thing, especially if you are in a separation process. But, as someone wrote here, "being alone doesn't mean being lonely". From my own experience, you've got lots of free time, which you used to spend with family/your old friends/husband/usual routine etc. But then you can actually recall things which you wanted to do when you were a kid (or at least younger) but never had a time for. This can be anything, from sports, to music, cooking, Dutch etc. For sure there are things that you love to do. Try to spend some time on such things, it is very empowering. And eventually, sooner or later you will meet some friends.

By the way, I am also from the Hague, so if you want to meet, just drop me a message.

Good luck!
Andrey

Hi

I know exactly what you mean. I came to NL in 2000. My parents and friends all were in Moscow. During the first year it was really lonely, so I made a research on what I liked to do. Basically I was looking for hobbies. There are plenty of ways of how to find somebody interesting for you. I ended up with photography as a hobby which took all my free time and so I was developing my skills in it. Make yourself busy with something, find friends by interests (photography, theater & art, music, hiking, whatever else). I don't see any other way if you are going to stay here for longer. However, this does not only concern being lonely in another country. This way you can find interesting people in whatever country, including your motherland.

By the way, don't leave your new friends once you get married again or get a boyfriend. That's the most important rule! There is no excuse for leaving them once you have become engaged or something..

Cheers & good luck!
Mikhail

that was so lonesome you know! i can't imagine myself alone in a country where can be a stranger....heheheh but i believe there a lot of things to happen in there.... so i just hope you could find something you could spend your time and get busy....hehehe good luck to you guyz!

i am still with my dutch boyfriend (thus not breaking up) and we go out, meet his friends and/or family, do nice things together alot. i got a nice job, all my colleagues are dutch men. i live a busy life and cant find the time to go out to probably meet some new friends as i also refuse to literally look for friends, would prefer i bump into a potential friend by albert heijn or something unplanned.. and at the end of the day, i feel so alone..

Thanks for the update,
Good luck

why, you're welcome mvn

Hi there,

I'm Suresh, an Indian guy who's going thru the same process myself right now. The people who've posted on this forum are right, no-one else can help you deal with your feelings when you break up - but its OK to look for some social contact once in a while!

I live in Leiden, a beuatiful small town not so far away from the Hague - if you ever feel like some company one evening during the week or on the weekend, email me at neier12@xs4all.nl - preferably a few days in advance :-) - and let me know!

Good luck & take care
Suresh

Hi guys, I am new at this site and found this topic quite interesting seeing that developing relationships over here indeed takes lots of effort. Actually I was looking for someone to help me taking care of my cat and ended up reading this:). Funny enough. Even created an account straight away. Trying to send a message to Mr. ZmejGorynych:), but seem to be unable to send anything at all.

ZmejGorynych, if you do not mind sending me a test message, please do. I live and work in The Hague and speak Russian. Would love to contact you if possible.

regards,
Nadiya

Or just become like me...sarcastic with a sharp tongue with a twisted sense of humor
Ah btw you will see after a while how liberating is to be alone without no one bla bla bla in your hear and hey you dont have to cook or iron to someo else...

Hum i think the film "how to alienate people and loose friends" is my background theme LOL

You should be able to message him now. Members have to actually have at least one post on the forum under their belt before they can use private messaging...And with this post, you should have fulfilled this requirement!

I would say it's mine too, but then we might accidentally bond and screw up our dastardly plans...

ahahahahahahaha yep I think so too! ahhhh how I love to be sarcastic damn damn damn!

SO then did you manage to find soe hobbies or some one with whom you could spend some time. If you happen to be in amsterdam on any week days or weekends do let me know and maybe we can spend some time ..

dont feel lonely dear.life is everything so if you are happy then life is good.so you can do yoga for your mood fress and im also at den haag and i will help u.so feel free to text me.

Yoga to feel less lonely? That's news to me, considering that to do it properly you need to be alone in a quiet room. Isn't that the problem she's trying to solve?

seems yoga solves about everything these days

La Potion Magique du Druide...

panoramix is giving yoga classes

What ? Like masturbation?

You don't need to be alone in a quiet room to do that... um, from what I hear anyway.

Whatever floats your boat...others need more stimulation!

So true! Always look at the bright side of life, eh?!

Camilo, I've just moved to Risjwijk, next to The Hague, so any assistance would be appreciated. Thanks! Li.

I dont know if i can help you because i have the same problem as you. I find it really hard to meet new people or to keep friendships ever since i came here. To the point that sometimes i feel antisocial and i thought ti was me...Until i spoke to some expats.
In my opinion it's just a boring country we are living in. And i'm talking about the people here not the buildings. But just like everybody else i got attracted by the crazy and liberal atmosphere of Amsterdam. Of course after i moved in here i realise that Amsterdam is not holland. Could i feel more stupid? I left my sunny, corrupted Greece to live in a delta of a river populated by 16 million autistics..
Anyway, i think that without even realising it you gave the answer to your self. It's the process of the separation that makes you feel sad. Not the separation. Once you're finished with the ''process'' you will feel more confident, and you will able to rediscover your self and,if your husband is dutch, to get you sense of humour back.