A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today."
A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt."
The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"
The bartender says, "That'll be the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign?
It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!"
The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house.
Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it:
"I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!"
The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says,
"The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!"
The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."
The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?"
The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym' for 19.95...

'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...

'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...

and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
__________________

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son.

They happen to walk past the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man replied, matter-of-factly, "Those are called condoms,son Men use them to have safe sex.

" Oh " I see," replied the boy pensively Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a pack of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this pack?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?

Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck"

:roll:

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? "

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and then replied, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men beside the road, eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "So we have to eat grass."

"Come with me to my house and I'll feed you!" said the lawyer.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children - they're under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said: "You can come, too."

In a pitiful voice, the second man said: "But sir - I have a wife and six children with me!"

"Fine! Bring them all - the more, the merrier," the lawyer answered.

So they all climbed in - no easy task, even with a car as enormous as a limousine.

Once they had set off on their journey, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said: "Sir, you really are too kind. Thank you so much for taking all of us home with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass on my lawn is almost a foot high."

Dear All

Many thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach eggs in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet cloth with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
But all that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....
Best bit of luck is the letter from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million
with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's
novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward your special e-mails
to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola, because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the five pound note I found dropped in the car park cuz
it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg or something.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with the poops
will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know all this is true because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Whilst the pills have not worked yet they sure tasted good.
Not quite got the hang of the gadgets and aids but bet they are good when I do it right.
Thanks for all the advise an viruses I spent 10 sleepless nights at my computer waiting for it to happen
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with a low IQ
and who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on their mouse.
Too late....don't bother taking it off now,

Must dash........... I need to send this to the others before my luck runs out.

What do retired people do all day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi t*rd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a s---head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

Many of us are guilty of looking at others our own age and thinking,
'Surely, I can't be that old'. If you've ever done this, then you'll appreciate the following.

A friend of mine was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist.
She noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been
in her high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that she had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

'Why yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' she asked.

'In 1965,' he replied. 'Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!' she exclaimed.

To which that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired decrepit son-of-a-bitch
asked, 'What did you teach?'

There were two blokes walking around a grave yard looking at graves. One guy shouts out from outside the graveyard, "look there's one out here and he was only 25". "Who was it?" asks the other man. "Miles, from London" said the man.

Canada Pension

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. 'I'll have to go get it and come back later,' I said.

At that point, she said to me, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' she said and with that, she promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Canada Pension Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, 'You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability, too.'

This is a true story.........really.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the pub about the same time as she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets the dinner on the table.

I noted the other week making the fire was starting to be a chore there she was carring in a big bucket of heavy coal again I offered her good advice use two buckets with half a load in each

I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves, I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we do take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her.

I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming throughout the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article. I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other,


Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, just for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age but needing some reassurance he asks her; 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She looks into his eyes and says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law quickly left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, di mmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[quote name='Lightchild' date='Jun 6 2008, 10:55 PM' post='776701']
Dear All
MY cousin's cat had kittens and she was able to give away

all but 4 of them.

I told her I would help her find homes for the last 4.

I can't take one because I am allergic to cats, but if you could take

just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home.

Since she lives by the Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you.

I've attached pictures of the last 4 kittens.




Will you help?








































If this brightened your day Don't let it stop

here Pass it on with a smile Keep spreading

the Cheer.

sorry lost pictures

Awww, you made me curious. Was it Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld & Rice?

I quit my job at the helium factory last week.

I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.

An older man (named Manuel) approached a very attractive younger woman at a shopping mall and asked 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere'